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Comparing Queen's Essay

A photo of Anonymous Anonymous
[size=6]What do you think of my Queens Essay?[/size]


Through many academic and extra-cirricular activties, I have played roles in both being a key leader aswell as being an avid member of various school groups. Along with two of my classmates, I launched a campaign to lead my school to raise $3000 to feed homeless people during the Christmas holidays. This initiative helped lead the school in raising awareness on an issue that is international and local - world hunger. By working together, the school managed to - under my leadership - accomplish the goal of feeding over 2000 homeless people in need for the holidays. Due to my leadership and creativity, this project has now become a yearly tradition, promoting social justice, charity, and leadership for each student to celebrate. The lesson I learned from leading "Frankie the Christmas Pig" was to motivate others in doing what I feel is right to help the greater community. Before this project, Ididn't realize how effective and inspiring a devoted group of people can be when they work towards the common-good. All in all, I learned that success is not limited to one instance. Rather, it is a driving force that allows you to constantly pursue in hopes of making the world a better place. This past November, our school had its very first White Ribbon Campaign. I did not lead this campaign but I was heavily involved in it by social networking, distributing ribbons, collecting donations, and promote awareness through class visits. Under the leadership of one of my classmates, I learned that sometimes you don't need to be a leader to be riveted by a cause. Sometimes, it's better to be part of a group where you interact with others constantly and promote change which in this case was to end violence against women.


Through thorough research I have came to a conclusion that Queen's Commerce is strongly appropriate for my future. Before this past year where I heavily researched Queens Commerce, I have experienced lots of moments that made me feel today that business is a perfect field for me. Ever since I started high school, I became fascinated by business and the challenges that the economy poses for society; learning through the news, media, and those around me. I've been working in retail for nearly two years where I learned how customer service works, managing money, and the true value of a dollar. Through experience of my employment at Staples I also examined the effects of the economy on both the company and the consumer. Just through experience and how fascinated I was with business, I already knew that future studies in Commerce would be perfect for me. Through visits at Queens, researching online, and talking with business professionals I progressed my knowledge to make the perfect decision for future studies. I knew that learning Commerce would form a skill set to understand how the world operates, a language that is known in every part of the world in every office, practice, industry, firm worldwide. I've admired Queens for its incredible, world-renowned program for commerce throughout high school - striving for academic excellence and exceptional experience. This motivated me to pursue commerce at Queens as my main goal for post-secondary education. Through my employment, research, and visits, I've decided that Queens Commerce provides the greatest potential for me to learn and to grown to the best of my abilities. This program would allow me to be a business leader recognized not only locally but internationally.
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37 replies
 
A photo of g93 g93
You forgot the apostrophe
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A photo of AZK AZK
much better then mine...lol

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A photo of lmao lmao
Two spelling mistakes, o.O
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A photo of AZK AZK
How much chances do I have? Not bad for 20 mins of work?

removed due to horrible quality of essays QQ
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A photo of Anonymous Anonymous
Lets not pin-point grammar and spelling.

Out of 100, what you guys think?
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A photo of IanSharer IanSharer

@iKam22 wrote
Lets not pin-point grammar and spelling.

Out of 100, what you guys think?



But grammar and spelling is part of the criteria?
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A photo of Subtle Subtle
I think you'll score well on the content section but there are some syntax and grammar errors. I think you'll get in with an essay like that though, looks like a lot of effort was put into it.
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A photo of IanSharer IanSharer

@Subtle wrote
I think you'll score well on the content section but there are some syntax and grammar errors.



I agree. Fortunately for him, content is weighted more.
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A photo of g93 g93
Do you want me to be honest?
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A photo of Anonymous Anonymous

@IanSharer wrote

@Subtle wrote
I think you'll score well on the content section but there are some syntax and grammar errors.



I agree. Fortunately for him, content is weighted more.



I understand that Grammar is a part of the criteria,
Unfortunately, I am not a grammar king and missed a couple mistakes.

I'm sure queens wont disregard my application.
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A photo of Anonymous Anonymous
To be honest, I think you have pretty good EC accomplishments. However, I do feel that your diction and writing style as well as overall presentation is not spectacular. So this is why I would feel it deserves about a 80/100.
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A photo of IanSharer IanSharer

@iKam22 wrote
I understand that Grammar is a part of the criteria,
Unfortunately, I am not a grammar king and missed a couple mistakes.

I'm sure queens wont disregard my application.



That's what I hinted at... Actual writing ability can only matter so much as it is very easy to get "help" on your essays.
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@g93 wrote
Do you want me to be honest?


Yea be honest.

and cbonnie, 80 is pretty good. on top of meeting the cutoff average and good work experience and EC's?
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A photo of g93 g93

@iKam22 wrote

@g93 wrote
Do you want me to be honest?


Yea be honest.

and cbonnie, 80 is pretty good. on top of meeting the cutoff average and good work experience and EC's?


60-65
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A photo of Anonymous Anonymous

@g93 wrote

@iKam22 wrote

@g93 wrote
Do you want me to be honest?


Yea be honest.

and cbonnie, 80 is pretty good. on top of meeting the cutoff average and good work experience and EC's?


60-65




Other then grammar/spelling why that?
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A photo of g93 g93

@iKam22 wrote

@g93 wrote

@iKam22 wrote

@g93 wrote
Do you want me to be honest?


Yea be honest.

and cbonnie, 80 is pretty good. on top of meeting the cutoff average and good work experience and EC's?


60-65




Other then grammar/spelling why that?


Writing quality.
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A photo of CityBoy CityBoy
I don't think you should have posted your essay, because English is so subjective that a 60 to someone here might be 90 to a guy in admissions who is happy and just had sex with his wife the night before, and had similar experiences to YOU when HE was in high school.

I'm guessing you were really confident about your essay and wanted to post them to hear everything but bad things.. but now you're a little insecure about them, am I right? Just be confident, no point in comparing.

If you do want my opinion, I think these essays are fairly well written and looks like you've spent some time on it. I think on the first question, you didn't answer the question because the question asked what have you learned about YOURSELF, not like in general. Nonetheless, it's not bad. Good luck!
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A photo of Anonymous Anonymous

@g93 wrote

@iKam22 wrote

@g93 wrote

@iKam22 wrote

@g93 wrote
Do you want me to be honest?


Yea be honest.

and cbonnie, 80 is pretty good. on top of meeting the cutoff average and good work experience and EC's?


60-65




Other then grammar/spelling why that?


Writing quality.



I respect your opinion, however looking at the criteria that is only a small percentage of the evaluation. I truly believe that they are not judging solely on english writing quality and rather then future potential as a business leader. I still have time to grow with writing quality to perform business documents, and Queens' understands that.

I can safely bet that I will get accepted.
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A photo of CityBoy CityBoy
Oh my score: 85.

g93 is going to be Accountant so he's very analytical that's why he gave you 60. Aha see it's subjective.
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A photo of g93 g93

@CityBoy wrote
Oh my score: 85.

g93 is going to be Accountant so he's very analytical that's why he gave you 60. Aha see it's subjective.


All I know is that if those essays were marked at my school that would be lucky to pass, but due to the content that is a 60-65. I have been brought up by very critical English teachers, I guess it is in my blood.
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A photo of Anonymous Anonymous
I think Queens wont be analytical.

My friend got in and I read his essay and it had 4 spelling mistakes.

He got in on thursday with a 88 average.
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A photo of CityBoy CityBoy

@iKam22 wrote
I think Queens wont be analytical.

My friend got in and I read his essay and it had 4 spelling mistakes.

He got in on thursday with a 88 average.




What did you just say..........................
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A photo of g93 g93
I would have to see other essays too I guess. Your essay could very well be above average, I would have to see more.
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